The Oscars. Meh. Masturbation It Is.


Adam Lambert standing in for Freddie Mercury with “Queen”. No.

Black Panther, A Star is Born and Bohemian Rhapsody nominated for Best Film. No.

The Greenbook. Yes.

The dude (Billy Porter) in a dress. Fuck yes. So much fuck yes.

Now I am going to smoke myself stupid in the bath as I think of all the titties in tassles I oggled last night at an Oscar parody burlesque show… that had actual hosts… two of them. They made oral sex jokes. Already infinitely better than the real thing. And the intersex drag king Freddie Mercury impersonator was lightyears beyond Adam Lambert (*wet gagging sounds).

I am going to masturbate furiously to the animated masterpiece Heavy Metal now. Already my night looks promising.

Or I might just watch Labyrinth, and giggle and swoon at David Bowie’s crotch in that spandex get-up.


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