It’s the middle of the night
And I am more awake than the moon.
My current state of malaise
Makes it feel like the gnarled tree branches
In the dark wood outside my window
Are all pointed at me.
And the gurgling little brook at the cul de sac
Is threatening to drown me
From the inside out,
And starting merely with its sound.
I am wide the fuck awake
Because I am afraid
I will stop breathing
In my sleep.
But I am also afraid to stop breathing
In my wakefulness.
And even when I have to run outside
For the third time
To gulp in as much cold air as I can
And not have the ceiling hanging over my head
For just one moment,
I’m afraid of drowning.
Anxiety. When I get nasal congestion, I have panic attacks now. Even if the nasal congestion is imaginary and my airways are completely clear, I still panic and think I’m going to drown. Wtf. 🙄