I have a hard time staying angry at people,
Even if they’ve hurt me.
I fall for all of the excuses,
Accept every apology (even the fake empty ones),
I am very forgiving.
But I hate that about myself.
Because my forgiving is not about forgiveness;
It is about not wanting to be abandoned
It is about pleasing and maintaining homeostasis.
My forgiveness is always about me
And never about the person I am forgiving.
I wish I could forgive selflessly,
Or maybe… not forgive others at all, let them feel my wrath like they let me feel their negligence or forgetting or abuse or absense (maybe forgive myself instead for letting others have that power over me),
Then walk away not caring if I am hated or loved or rejected or whatever.
Sometimes I wish I could walk away from people and not care a mite what they think of me,
Just forgive and move on,
Leave my pain in the dirt behind me,
And try to be a better, less codependent person
I will always be a work-in-progress
But I am tired as fuck of being a people-pleaser.
How the fuck do I break patterns put in place since childhood?
How the fuck do I stop being what I have always been?
With work, I guess…
A shit tonne of it…
Maybe therapy too….
Resignation, self-pity, blame and comfort with mediocrity never did anyone — myself included — any good whatsoever,
So tomorrow (now?),
I’m rebirthing… a(fucking)gain.
*** Uh… you’ve flagellated yourself sufficiently on your own. My job here is done. ***
*** I don’t want to be human anymore. People suck. ***
*** This is my 287th rebirth in the last 2 months. Maybe I will get me right this next one…. Fingers crossed. 🤞🤞🤞 ***